Archive for Laughter

Time Please

Time Please

 

Young Man: Sir, may I know the time, please?
Old Man: Certainly not.

 

Young Man: Sir, but why? What are you going to lose, if you tell me the time?
Old Man: Yes, I may lose something if I tell you the time.

 

Young Man: But Sir, can you tell me how?
Old Man: See, if I tell you the time you will definitely thank me and may be tomorrow again you will ask me the time.

 

Young Man: Quite possible.
Old Man: May be we meet two three times more and you will ask my name and address.

 

Young Man: Quite possible.
Old Man: One day you may come to my house saying you were just passing by and came into wish me.

 

Then as a courtesy, I will offer you a cup of tea.
After my courteous approach you will try to come again. This time you will appreciate tea and ask who has made it.

 

Young Man: Possible
Old Man: Then I will tell you that my daughter has and I will then have to introduce my young and pretty daughter to you and you will admire my daughter.


Young Man: Smiles.
Old Man: Now onwards you will try to meet my daughter again and again. You will offer her to go out for a movie together and a date with you.

 

Young Man: Smiles
Old Man: My daughter may start liking you and start waiting for you. After meeting regularly you will fall in love with her and propose her for marriage.

 

Young Man: Smiles
Old Man: One day both of you will come to me and tell me about your love and ask for my permission.

 

Young Man: Oh Yes! And smiles
Old Man: (Angrily) Young man, I will never marry my daughter to a person like you who does not even own a watch!

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Pain of a married man!!!!!

Pain of a married man!!!!!
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
“What’s the matter, dear?”
she whispers as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?”
The husband looks up from his coffee, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?” he asks solemnly. “Yes I do” she replies.
The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?”
“Yes, I remember” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.. “Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I’ll send you to jail for 20 years?”
“I remember that too” she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, “I would have been released today!”

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Giving Up Wine


I was walking down the street when I was accosted

 by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking

homeless woman who asked me for a couple of

dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked,

‘If I give you this money, will you buy wine with

it instead of dinner?’

‘No, I had to stop drinking years ago’, the

homeless woman told me.

‘Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying

food?’ I asked.

‘No, I don’t waste time shopping,’ the homeless

woman said. ‘I need to spend all my time trying

to stay alive.’

‘Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of

food?’ I asked.

‘Are you NUTS!’ replied the homeless woman.

I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!’

‘Well, I said, ‘I’m not going to give you the

money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for

dinner with my husband and me tonight.’

The homeless Woman was shocked. ‘Won’t your

 husband be furious with you for doing that? I know

I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.’

I said, ‘That’s okay. It’s important for him to see

what a woman looks like after she has given up

shopping, hair appointments, and wine.’

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Farted, on my birthday


One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up eating beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the dinner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly:

 

‘Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.’ He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. 

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than stinking cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.  
He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

 

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused:

 

‘Happy Birthday!’!!

 

 I nearly died!!! 

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Don’t use mobile inside Toilet.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: “Hi, how are you?”

I’m not the type to start a conversation in the men’s restroom But I don’t know what got into me, so i answered, somewhat embarrassed, “Doing just fine!”

And the other guy says: “So what are you up to?”

What kind of question is that? At that point, I’m thinking this is too bizarre so I say: “Uhhh, I’m like you, just travelling!”

At this point I’m just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. “Can I come over?”

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, “No……. I’m a little busy right now!!!”

Then I hear guy say nervously….

Listen. I’ll have to call you back. There’s is an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!”

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Understand women?

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, ‘Lord, grant me one wish.’ The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, ‘Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.’

The man said, ‘Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.’ 

The Lord said, ‘Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me.’ 

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, ‘Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say ‘nothing’, and how I can make a woman truly happy.’ 

The Lord replied, ‘You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge ..?’

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