Archive for Laughter

Laughter, teacher and child

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah” .
The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.



A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

 

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”
Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white

 

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher, she’s dead…



The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
“Take only ONE. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples…

 

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Laught

A man who absolutely hated his wife’s cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing.

As he was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.

At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”

 “Yes,” the wife answers. “Why do you ask?”

Frustrated, the man answers “Put that damn cat on the phone. I’m lost and I need directions!”

                                                   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*****

After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.

Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?

God: So you will always want to look at her.

Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?

God: So you will always want to touch her.

Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?

God: So you will always want to be near her.

Adam: That’s wonderful Lord, and I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?

God: So she would love you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

******

Doctors Meeting
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together.

One said to the other three, “People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems.”

The others agreed.

Then one said, “Since we are all professionals, why don’t we take some time right now to hear each other out?”

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, “I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients.”

The second psychiatrist said, “I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want.”

The third followed with, “I’m involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me.”

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, “I know I’m not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t keep a secret….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

******
 

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”

 “Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.” reply the mother.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”

 

*****

 

A grandfather and granddaughter were sitting and talking when the young girl asked, “Did God make you, Grandpa?”

“Yes, God made me,” the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him,

“Did God make me too?”

“Yes, He did,” the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.

“You know, Grandpa,” she said, “God’s doing a lot better job lately.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*****

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says,
“My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50.”

The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.”

The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”

 

 

 

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Laught

A man who absolutely hated his wife’s cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing.

As he was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.

At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”

 “Yes,” the wife answers. “Why do you ask?”

Frustrated, the man answers “Put that damn cat on the phone. I’m lost and I need directions!”

                                                   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*****

After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.

Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?

God: So you will always want to look at her.

Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?

God: So you will always want to touch her.

Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?

God: So you will always want to be near her.

Adam: That’s wonderful Lord, and I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?

God: So she would love you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

******

Doctors Meeting
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together.

One said to the other three, “People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems.”

The others agreed.

Then one said, “Since we are all professionals, why don’t we take some time right now to hear each other out?”

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, “I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients.”

The second psychiatrist said, “I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want.”

The third followed with, “I’m involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me.”

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, “I know I’m not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t keep a secret….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

******
 

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”

 “Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.” reply the mother.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”

 

*****

 

A grandfather and granddaughter were sitting and talking when the young girl asked, “Did God make you, Grandpa?”

“Yes, God made me,” the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him,

“Did God make me too?”

“Yes, He did,” the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.

“You know, Grandpa,” she said, “God’s doing a lot better job lately.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*****

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says,
“My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50.”

The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.”

The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”

 

 

 

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Bad Hearing

Bad Hearing


An old man told his doctor,

 “I don’t think my wife’s hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?”

 

The doctor replied, “Try this test first. When your wife is at the sink doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t respond, keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears you.”

He went home and saw his wife preparing dinner. Standing fifteen feet behind her he said, “What’s for dinner, honey?”

Hearing no reply, he moved up to ten feet behind her and repeated the question. Still no reply, so he moved to five feet.

Finally he stood directly behind her and said, “Honey, what’s for dinner tonight?                                                  

She turned around and yelled in his face, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf old fart!”

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We love chocolate.

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway
When he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.  

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, “ why don’t you eat the peanuts yourself?”.

“We can’t chew them because we’ve no teeth”, she replied.

The puzzled driver asks,

“Why do you buy them then?”
The old lady replied,  

“We just love the chocolate around them.”

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mother & son

One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.
 
 

MOM : “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school.”
 
SON : “But why, Mama? I don’t want to go to school.”
   
MOM :
“Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go to school.”

SON : “One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me.”
   
MOM :
“Oh! that’s not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school.”
   
SON : “Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?”
 
MOM :
 One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand your responsibilities. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.                                                                       

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A mechanic & a Doctor

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage,

“Hello Doctor! Please come over here for a minute.”

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively,

“So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind ’em, put in new parts, and when I finish, this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work? “

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the

mechanic said:

Try to do it when the engine is running “.

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